Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage