Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.