[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Pikachu found the lost joint
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA