Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
You Might Also Like
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Welcome
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Poetry is my passion
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec