*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
bears
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Saturday
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.