Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m sure it’s fine.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing