taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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ibopfufen
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.