Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?