I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”