That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”