“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Guys, I found it.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
lmao
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED