I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I unironically love this joke.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.