Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.