[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
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Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*