if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
You Might Also Like
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.