Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺