My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.