Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*