Never let them know your next move 😂
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”