My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then