Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.