Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before