{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
You Might Also Like
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.