My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Well, that didn’t work.