[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Who says great literature is dead?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.