Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
felt that
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200