I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?