Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
You Might Also Like
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.