Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent