“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit