Noah
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.