When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.