“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.