Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house