Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Sheep
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.