Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Thursday
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.