When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or