I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof