My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…