We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Google Pay be like:
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?