My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.