a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
the saddest jazz hands ever
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.