[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
This is hilarious….
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Great acting.. 😂
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
2022: I can fix it
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road