Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.