GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back