Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Lol.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.