If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
can’t catch a break
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it