I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.