[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
What if the weather talks about us?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.