My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My new favorite headline
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
We all have our pet causes.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir